Week 9 Stuff and Things

Week 9 Predictions:

Basil Ride > Screamers
Taco Tuesday > Space Pussy
Bulletproof Tigers > Harper Valley PTA
Happy Shirt > Terrebonne Po’ Boys
Merchants of Death > Where’s My Pitches?
Das Boot > Los Matadores
Chalmersiz > Jazzhaus
Bad News Bagels > Channel 6
Rats > Hotel Lobby
Murda, Inc. > Free State Growlers
Goats > Up to Eleven Late Fees
Kunt Punts > AsteroidHEAD
Red Lyon > Hurtz Donut D-Holes
Ghosts > Brewballers
Sacred Sword > Rockets

A few games.

Happy Shirt vs. Terrebonne Po’ Boys @ Holcolm Right, 5 p.m.
This game would (probably) go the other way if it were played at Holcolm Left. Kris Marshall has single-handedly destroyed teams over there, while Happy Shirt isn’t exactly a home-run kicking team. Happy Shirt is, however, a better kicking team, and kicking into the wind (as is usually the case on Right) is advantageous for it. Just like both teams’ previous games, I anticipate a 1-run, low-scoring game.

Happy Shirt yields the best defense in the league, allowing only 26 runs per game. Conversely, Terrebonne is the best offensive team,scoring 130 runs total (16.25 average).

I, unfortunately, have to miss this game, so someone text me updates if you’re one of the lucky ones to see it.

Das Boot vs. Los Matadores @ Holcolm Left, 5 p.m.
Few things are more dangerous than playing Das Boot on Holcolm Left, and Los Matadores should know this. While Los Matadores had legitimate home-run kickers last season, it doesn’t quite have the legs it once did; Das Boot may have lost one of its crushers, but it still has at least four on the roster than clear the fence on a good day. Whether Das Boot is able to fully exploit this or be forced into a string of pop-outs will be determined. A slew of injuries has affected Los Matadores defense, and even more errors on the Chalmersizes’ part last week helped them with a win, so this game could definitely be a struggle for them.

Chalmersiz vs. Jazzhaus @  Holcolm Left, 7 p.m.
Chalmersiz made numerous defensive and base-running mistakes in its one-run loss against Los Matadores, a couple of which could potentially have changed the outcome. Jazzhaus, on the other hand, was crushed 13-4 by Das Boot. It was the Jazzhaus’ second lowest-scoring game this season since week 3, when the Love Garden Squids, the second-best defensive team in the league, held them to 2 runs. Chalmersiz usual steady defense hasn’t been consistent. In its four losses, Chalmersiz have allowed 34 runs. Jazzhaus, meanwhile, struggles to keep teams from scoring, allowing 11.625 runs/game.

Red Lyon vs. Hurtz Donut D-Holes @ Holcolm Blue, 7 p.m.
Red Lyon crushed Channel 6 last week, 12-3. The Hurtz Donut D-Holes scraped by the Bad News Bagels, 4-3. Both teams have fairly similar numbers, so this game ought to be close. Both are loaded with speed and veterans . . . and speedy veterans.

Team / Record / Runs / Runs Allowed / Win%
Hurtz / 6-2 / 124 / 41 /75.15%
Lyon / 7-1 / 110 / 47 / 70.06%

Hurtz has slightly better numbers overall, but a lot of that comes from losing 13-1 against the Love Garden Squids, the second-best defensive team in the league. The winner of this game has the inside track to winning the 2s, which could ultimately push it closer possibly the overall 4-seed, depending on the outcome of the 1s.

Sacred Sword vs. the Rockets @ Hobbs, 9 p.m.
Game of the Week yields the veteran-laden Sacred Sword team vs. the relatively-newly-shaped Rockets. Both teams are allowing around 8 runs/game, with Sacred Sword averaging 8 and the Rockets 8.25. Sacred Sword is scoring 13.25 while the Rockets are averaging 11.25. Between the Rockets’ three losses, it’s allowing 7.67 runs, whereas Sacred Sword is allowing 10.34 in its three losses. Sacred Sword’s bigger legs could take advantage of the Rockets’ risky outfielding, so the Rockets need to decide whether letting a couple singles escape them is worth potentially allowing a triple. Sword by a couple.


It was the kick heard round the east side and the internets. My phone feeds were flying as I working a concert and I knew something real big had happened at game of the week. I am sure we have all had those dreams. Those dreams of kicking it over your nemesis’s head to win the game, or dreams of making a diving catch and stopping the other team from scoring with bases loaded. The actual chance that such awesomeness would happen to anyone, especially during game of the week is about as rare as triple double in basketball. Congratulations to Dan Magua and Murda Inc for living the dream and embodying the excellence of victory. Dan you da man, a most humble man at that, thank you for making week eight truly great.

Of course major props also to Kunt Punts for being gracious non-winners that night. Major high fives to Scott Stewart and Nick Lerner for their scheduling mastery this season. Six games were decided by one run, two games by just two runs. Easy math tells me that half the games were decided by less than two runs. Picking winners these next two weeks might be decided just as easily if I were to flip a coin (then again that wouldn’t be any fun now would it.) Since I missed every singe game last week due to my job, let’s have some fun and talk about the sixteen match ups for week nine haiku style (see mom and dad I AM using my creative writing degree)



love garden
got new attitude
brings them a number one seed
these folks are nasty

wildman attack force
americas team
wanting to relive the dream
never forget ‘12



basil ride
will they take the fives
center field torn M C L
hey they got wiggins

thanks for the nachos
your team is improving lots
this ones for bobo



 space pussy
we love your spirit
but you are still 0 and 8
break that streak this week

 taco tuesday
we all love tacos
chelsey is bad ass pitcher
this week you win two


 bullet proof tigers
cougar is the Man
spewin stats whenev he can
self deprication

 harper valley PTA
moms and dads play here
feed us vagina cookies
future of kickball



happy shirt
always in the final
brianne winningest lady
chris ford old man style

terra bonne po boys
last years champions
nick devin only wears tanks
brad rides crotch rocket



wheres my pitches
ritchie vaughn old school
currently one and seven
channel the tupac

merchants of death
two buck beers sunday
jairo took ball to the nuts
keepers of di plate



 das boot
this is for das brad
we miss you molly and chris
terminator best

los matadores
kenny heath sammich
paul santos has puppet hands
why you hurt ‘gain shane?



chris h a bad ass
good job you are in pool four
pass me the fireball

lovers of fifteen
why does soobs where old man pants?
rachna one fit babe




bad news bagels
emma freedom tent
your outfield is totes bad ass
most improved team yaah!

channel 6
recruit king JP
world record for LFK
you can do it mike!!!!




hotel lobby
bring that intense
thanks Addison for go pro
make us look so good

top four line up stacked
first basemen has huge hands
CJ says it so



free state
because without beer
kickball just isn’t as good
leslie and her braids

 murda Inc
dan dan dan dan dan
face first slide home plate winning
jollys balls just dropped



meh mehhh meh mehhh meh
lauren thirty scott commish
shaher base run fast

up to eleven
mick cottin captain
of most fun and base run
robyn say ready



fueled by kambucha
mascot a dog named yuba
clint thrasher bad ass

kunt punts
umlaut or not guys?
you most gracious at losing
thanks for beer specials



red lyon
tech savvy realtor
you guys on fire last sunday
bring it shawna gurl

hurtz donut d-holes
arie loves spread sheet
bickel rest in center field
stick it in their hole




can you win your first
kristina we think you can
sam as bald as son

mike pergande king!
katie dry erase board queen
will they bring plate home




This game deserves a little more love than seventeen syllables. Not only is this my roommies team versus the team I played with for six years. These are teams and players who have over the past decade brought the ruckus to game of the week. You put james findley, kyle schneweis and Andy Frye under the lights and let their talent and ego-ful athleticism soar. You give josh Hunt, Mary Costello and Pat Fielder a stage and they are going to sell it out and make it legendary. In addition we believe this to be the first ever game of the week where a husband and wife compete against each other. Will Dave Owens bunt one in front of Amber and see if she can chase him down? Will Amber boot one over Her hubby’s head just coz she can? At 9pm let the games begin. I am still hoping for a race around the bases in rocket costumes, dragon suits and ren-fest chain mail.


red phallus on shirt
andy frye nice pony tail
riley motor boat

 sacred sword
joel kelly bunt king
win for t-bone and katie
age is state of mind



WEEK EIGHT – that’s right pool play is oh so very great!

The rankings are in, its week eight, the time when the league breaks into ranked pool play. Last week the Terrebonne Po’Boys under the lights continued to prove why they are still the reigning champs of the KVKL by defeating the Hurtz Donut D-Holes in game of the week. All four teams that are the one seeds are all undefeated this season so each week it’s a battle of who might remain on path to being our ‘72 dolphins.

Last week also could be labeled the “fastest” games of the season. The Rockets vs. Channel 6 was a defensive juggernaut with the game lasting less than an hour. The Goats at Love Garden game also was played with 1/2/3 1/2/3 consistency and lasted just under fifty minutes with the squids continuing on their perfectly nasty way of no losses.

The general concensus this season is that “dang the rank pods are intense.” As some teams are lower than they expected based on pre-season “scouting.” Others who knew in the off-season how high they wanted to rise are heading from double digit rankings to the top ten. As always there are those who just want to have fun. But the final three weeks are upon us, time to get down and prove your place in the league.

JAZZHAUS AT DAS BOOT – LYONS WEST 5PM – POOL FOUR BATTLE – Jazzhaus is one of the teams catapulted up from the lower ranks after 2013. Das Boot was one of the team in the Carrie Nation Division that could have been a two but dropped to the fourth seed when head to head came into play. Das Boot has years of experience in their arsenal and will shoot the Jazzhaus down winning by 5.

RATS AT SACRED SWORD – LYONS WEST 7PM – POOL THREE BATTLE – Rats are a team that has the need for speed, there is no base their roster doesn’t want to pass. Their infield gets the job done. Sacred Sword has experience, like your big brother or sister, they can beat you on a good day but usually you know if you play a lil harder your younger ass will take em down. Rats are that new team, but if Sword shuts down the Rats top five, Swords got a prayer. Rats by three.

TERREBONNE PO’BOYS AT LOVE GARDEN SQUIDS – LYONS EAST – 5PM – POOL ONE BATTLE –Po’Boys have been stirring their championship gumbo each week. Their games are played on a slow rolling boil, where there is always seemingly a smooth success at the end. Love Garden, how can one not love a team that does a 5th inning skins and then Jen Beck makes all three outs in one inning. That’s hot. What is also hot is that the Squids are firing up the grill this week at Hobbs! With Kris Marshall being out of town does that change things? After nine quick innings we shall know.


RED LYON AT CHANNEL 6 – LYONS EAST – 7PM – POOL TWO BATTLE – I’m hearing rumors that Channel 6 will settle for nothing less than a 4th ranking. That means they are going to have to win every game in their pool the next three weeks. Shawna Trarbach with a perfect bunt, helped send the Lyon to a number two seed against the S-Words last week. They are gonna have to hustle and flo to shut down Channel 6.   If the Lyon makes no mistakes and plays like the team who won the Mark Twain bust two years ago they got a chance. Red Lyon by one.

ASTEROIDHEAD AT FREE STATE GROWLERS – HOLCOM RIGHT – 5PM – POOL SIX BATTLE – Asteroidhead is like a jar of pickles, they can be sour, they can be sweet, they can be hot. If Thrasher is injury free, and most of their team is back from vacation, asteroidhead might tie-dye their way to victory. Free State like their beer is solid. They always win a few and most of us underestimate them yet year in year out making a repeat run for the less awesome plate. Free State by two.

HURTZ DONUT D-HOLES AT BAD NEW BAGELS – HOLCOM RIGHT AT 7PM – POOL TWO BATTLE – Bagels like Channel Six and Hotel Lobby are in the running for most improved team for 2014. Last Sunday D-Holes Captain Kris Dover in less than two minutes explained to me how proud he was of his team even though they lost to Po’Boys. It made my night, as this is a long standing captain in the league who in five years has turned his team from a bottom 20 ranked team in some hot water into a consistently top ten team. A top ten team who brought us all donuts last Sunday and along with Love Garden are helping grill food this Sunday at Game of the Week. D-Holes need to find their center and remain calm. Where the top five in the line up for the Bagels lead the way, there isn’t a weak link in the D-Holes ten. D-Holes by 3.

GHOSTS AT SPACE PUSSY – HOLCOM LEFT – 5PM – BATTLE FOR FIRST VICTORY – All four teams hanging out in the eight pool, are the anti-thesis of the one seeds. None have won a game but that changes this week (insert smiling face here). If you didn’t hear my roar on the podcast, it’s time for the Ghosts to eat more than the cherry and move onto strawberry eating (pacman lingo here). Space Pussy I saw a few early innings of your game against Asteroidhead and you were hanging tough with them. Remain positive, a team that compliments over antagonizes members of their own team always has a better chance at winning. Don’t get frustrated get happy, you got a real shot this week. Ghosts by six.

 UP TO ELEVEN LATE FEES AT BASIL RIDE – HOLCOM LEFT – 7PM – POOL FIVE BATTLE –     Of all the weeks I am going to be out of town, the week we play on Holcom Left. There goes my shot at one over the fence. Basil Ride has been getting more cohesive with their new players and have pulled a few upsets (if you listen to us podcast fools). If the Late Fees have big leg Jurban back this week and Kale continues his distance in the outfield the Fees could pull out the win. But if the Fees can’t get runners home and Basil Ride continues their solid defensive performance the Ride will win by 3.

WILDMAN ATTACK FORCE AT HAPPY SHIRT – HOLCOM RED AT 5PM – POOL ONE BATTLE – The second quest for a perfect record game. Wildman hasn’t beaten Happy Shirt since Wildman took home the championship cup in 2012. This season Wildman has pulled away from the boot and focused on the power of the midfield line drive. Happy Shirts outfield is going to have springs on their shoes (or maybe rollerblades) track to Wildman speeding balls. GOTW took Wildman by a bit of surprise. Their defense was a bit erratic. If Wildman can keep their blood pressures down, there could be an upset, but I think the consistency of Happy Shirt should bring them the win. Happy Shirt by one.

 CHALMERSIZ AT LOS MATADORES – HOLCOM RED 7PM – POOL FOUR BATTLE – Two very excellent teams that landed in the four pool after a few late season losses. These two teams are like the Devito/Schwarzenegger movie twins. They couldn’t be more different yet equally talented. Chalmersiz need to do a few lines or chug some double espresso before the game. Stay focused, stay sexy and stay tight you guys play defense so very all right. Los Matadores have been a bit lost without their leader Paul Santos. The Matadores need to be more like Picadors to win this game. They need to stab the Chalmersiz in the gaps and make Chalmersiz catcher twerk it. Speed and direction is how matadors can win, funky aggressive play means Chalmersiz should win. To quote George Clinton, gotta have that funk. Chalmersiz by three.

 ROCKETS AT HOTEL LOBBY – HOLCOM GOLTS – 5PM – POOL THREE BATTLE – I kinda want to call these teams two-faced. You never know if the “coulda been a one or two seed” is showing up, or the “with one more loss could have been a five seed” might be playing. Last week Hotel Lobby looked like they passed out in the Lobby compared to getting it on in the Lobby during GOTW. If they play like the team that almost brought the Wildman Express to their knees the game is theirs. However if all of the Rockets are healthy and in town, they are by far one of the most athletic teams around and could take the Lobby up to the penthouse. Hotel Lobby by two.


HARPER VALLEY PTA AT MERCHANTS OF DEATH – HOLCOM GOLD – 7PM – POOL SEVEN BATTLE – Congratulations to HVPTA moving on up to the sevens in 2014! This means you gotta push it real good for some victories. Use your legal teenage power rangers as much as possible because Merchants of Death are actually quite good. Merchants got kicks in all the right places, they just need to wrangle in their defense. Merchants by five.


TACO TUESDAY AT BREWBALLERS – HOLCOM BLUE – 5pm RANK POOL EIGHT – The second battle of one of these teams will get their first victory on Sunday game!! Taco Tuesday looked way more in control when they lost to Where’s My Pitches in ten innings last Sunday. Brewballers have a lot of solid new athletic players, the question is: are the ‘Ballers ready to take it to the limit? Brewballers by two.

BULLETPROOF TIGERS AT WHERE’S MY PITCHES – HOLCOM BLUE – 7PM – RANK POOL EIGHT – Tigers been picking up a lot of KC365 players. Are these players ready to learn the ways of the 8.5 “small ball” and get four games in under their belt for tourney time? Or was it a one-time deal? Where’s My Pitches finally got a win in extra innings last week. Their team needs to be all healthy and not on vacation to make this game competitive. Cougars solid recruiting means their bulletproof-ness will be a success. Bulletproof by three.

SCREAMERS AT GOATS – HOBBS PARK – 7PM – POOL FIVE BATTLE – Screamers keep plugging away, they got their second victory by screeching past the Kunt Punts in week seven. Goats have had a few surprising losses this season dropping them down to a five seed in 2014. Goats always got a way of bringing it home the closing weeks of season. I expect them to be well-rested and ready to run around those bases without stopping on Sunday. Goats by six.

KUNT PUNTS AT MURDA INC – HOBBS PARK – 9PM GAME OF THE WEEK – POOL SIX BATTLE – Please please please will the Kunt Punts don singlets again for game of the week!!! Maybe they can do a Singlet (aka onesie for adults) vs Skins GOTW? Maybe Murda will bring the ruckus this week. All I know is both of these teams know how to have fun while being competitive at kickball. Murda by 2 of sean jollys balls.

Pre-Pool Play Numbers

Before the season began, I predicted every team’s record for the first seven games. I correctly predicted ten teams’ results (half of which were in the Carrie A. Nation division). Below you can see how well your team fared against my presumptions. The largest differential between prediction and actual result, surprise, just as wildcard Cody said, was the Bad News Bagels.

If the formatting sucks, I apologize. It looks all right on Chrome.

This Guy’s Pre-Season Predictions vs. Actual Results (correct overall team predictions in italics)

John Brown
Basil Ride                             2 – 5                4 – 3
Channel 6                             4 – 3                5 – 2
Happy Shirt                        7 – 0                7 – 0
Chalmersiz                          5 – 2                4 – 3
Murda, Inc.                        3 – 4                3 – 4
Rockets                                6 – 1                4 – 3
Taco Tuesday                    0 – 7                0 – 7
Where’s My Pitches?       1 – 6                1 – 6

Carrie A. Nation
AsteroidHEAD                   3 – 4                2 – 5
Das Boot                               5 – 2                5 – 2
Hurtz D-Holes                    5 – 2                5 – 2
Merchants of Death         3 – 4                1 – 6
Rats                                        5 – 2                5 – 2
Space Pussy                        0 – 7                0 – 7
Terrebonne Po’ Boys       7 – 0                7 – 0
Late Fees                              2 – 5                3 – 4

William S. Burroughs
Bad News Bagels                2 – 5                6 – 1
Brewballers                         2 – 5                0 – 7
Bulletproof Tigers            0 – 7                2 – 5
Hotel Lobby                       6 – 1                5 – 2
Kunt Punts                          3 – 4                2 – 5
Los Matadores                  5 – 2                4 – 3
Screamers                           3 – 4                2 – 5
Wildman Attack Force   7 – 0                7 – 0

Langston Hughes
Free State Growlers         3 – 4                2 – 5
Ghosts                                    2 – 5                0 – 7
Goats                                      4 – 3                3 – 4
Harper Valley PTA           0 – 7                1 – 6
Jazzhaus                               2 – 5                4 – 3
Love Garden                       5 – 2                7 – 0
Red Lyon                              7 – 0                6 – 1
Sacred Sword                      6 – 1                5 – 2


Below are the top five teams in several categories. I then gave each team a value depending on their ranking (5 points for first place, 4 for second, u.s.w.) and totaled them among the four categories. An incredibly non-scientific way of ranking teams, but a method by which I think does accurately represent the top teams in the league—by the numbers, of course.

Top 5 Defensive Teams (runs allowed)
o1. Happy Shirt            21
o2. Love Garden          25
o3. Channel 6                26
o4. Hotel Lobby           28
o4. Wildman                  28
o5. Bad News Bagels   34

Top 5 Offensive Teams (runs scored)
o1. Terrebonne            127
o2. Wildman                  123
o3. Hurtz                         120
o4. Happy Shirt            116
o5. Bad News Bagels   104

Top 5 Win % (runs scored / runs)
o1. Happy Shirt           84.67%
o2. Wildman                 81.46%
o3. Love Garden         79.51%
o4. Channel 6               78.69%
o5. Terrebonne           76.97%

Top 5 Run Differential Teams (runs scored – runs allowed)
o1. Happy Shirt            95
o1. Wildman                  95
o2. Terrebonne            89
o3. Hurtz D-Holes       82
o4. Love Garden          72
o5. Bad News Bagels  70
o5. Channel 6               70

And finally:

Top 7 Teams that Scored Points Based on my Arbitrary Point System
o1. Happy Shirt            17
o2. Wildman                  15
o3. Terrebonne            10
o4. Love Garden            9
o5. Channel 6                  6
o5. Hurtz                          6
o6. Bad News Bagels    3
o7. Hotel Lobby            2




For the past three years during the hottest time in July, the KVKL takes a week to highlight and celebrate the ladies of kickball. Being a former NCAA division one athlete in my youth, rarely did it cross my mind that women might not be as good as men in sports. When I began a decade ago in the league, I watched women seem scared of the ball, not having the confidence offensively or defensively to hold their own on the field. Then I saw Abby Dotson play. This infamous Spacepussy babe weekly kicked balls over dude’s heads, she knew how to slide and could throw a ball from third to first. This was the player I wanted to be. As the league has gotten more competitive so have the ladies in the league. With most teams only playing three women, you have to be the best week in and week out. I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of the women in our league. Our positive level of competitiveness and support for our teams and one another is unsurpassed. Most of my closest female friends come from the KVKL these days. I can’t imagine my life without most of these women. Thank you for this family of hard working, hard playing support system I call the laideez of the kvkl. This weeks Sunday in the Park is dedicated to that best thirty percent.

 ROCKETS AT CHANNEL 6 – LYONS WEST – 5pm – Everyone at GOTW took notice two weeks ago when the women of the Toe Pokes pretty much dominated. All I heard in the stands was “you gonna go talk to her.” As team captains from around the league wondered if Cheyenne or Caroline would be up for grabs next season. We all know how good Sarah Riley is, even with full knee brace this star gets on base all the time, every time. Another great addition to the Rockets is newbie Elise Monaco who also is turning into a solid get on base player. The Toepokes might have the pure natural athleticism but the rockets have the experience. Rockets by 2.

BULLETPROOF TIGERS AT BREWBALLERS – LYONS WEST 7pm – Yesterday’s girl on girl action clinic was hosted by Lawrences own all female gym Body Boutique. Thank you Red (Kristina) for your commitment to ladies health in the league, our t-shirts rule. As do you. Keep tracking those balls. Andrea Chavez, the sassy catcher from Weavers Beavers has joined Cougars team, the Tigers. This game is a battle for victory (since I don’t know if cougar calls the rain win a true victory.) Brewballers by 3.

BASIL RIDE AT MURDA INC – 5pmLYONS EAST – Our league would not run without the unwavering behind the scenes actions of Erin Adams. Not only does she volunteer epic amounts of hours to the league she has one of the best bunts in the league. One of my new fave (and most improved playas) in the league is Alexis C. You are just a sponge for learning the art of kickball and it shows in your play! Murda Inc on the ladies side has always been lead by pitcher Manda Jolly. Although most of her time is spent running the Roost and raising her daughter, she’s always a threat in the outfield. This is a very evenly matched game but I’m going to say Murda is the case by two over the ride.

LOS MATADORES AT WILDMAN ATTACK FORCE – 7PM LYONS EAST – This week almost every game at Lyons is a must see kinda show. We all know THEE ABBY VESTAL and her dominance at first base. Yet Betsy Pederson has quickly ran up the ranks as a top player in this league. Anyone that dives and rolls for balls is my kind of player. For the Los Mats they have long time player and quick runner Amber along with new player Obie to spice up the game. This matchup is all about speed, whoever can get from first to third the most is going to get the runs. Wildman by three.

TACO TUESDAY AT WHERE’S MY PITCHES – 5PM HOLCOM RIGHT – Another battle for a victory match up. Lead off Kicker Amari for where’s my pitches are fierce on offense and knows smart running across the bases. I write about her every week, but that is only because Chelsey Scanland and her sassiness will pitch her way to a victory? If Where’s my Pitches has their full team in play I think they have it by just a few.

UP TO ELEVEN LATE FEES AT MERCHANTS OF DEATH – 7PM HOLCOM RIGHT – Val Robyn and Meischer I love you all. Thanks for letting me play sports with you every Sunday. My favorite Merchants of death babe is Aubrey Morris. She’s always smiling even as she kicks a line drive at your face. The fees are going to dance our way to a victory by one (because high scoring is just not who we are).

GOATS AT LOVE GARDEN SQUIDS – HOLCOM LEFT -5PM – Sara Rock is my hero. Wife of the commish, best dressed kid in town, and amazing kickball player. You know exactly where to place that ball to make sure your team scores runs. Lauren Pearce and her perfect bunt always knows where to be at second base and she can score. Pretty sure her strawberry mane (quite unicorn like actually) is what gets her on base so quick. The Ladies of the squids are by far always some of the best players in the league. We all miss Sarah Millers spunk on the field, but Ann and Liz Shafer are filling in Millers’ place quite nicely. Caroline McKenna will always be one of my favorite players. She is intense in a really good way. Although I heard she has an injury this week. Goats got nothing to lose this week, which should make for a very intense game, but I think the Squids want their #1 seed back and are going to win by four.

CHALMERSIZ AT HAPPY SHIRT – 7PM HOLCOM LEFT – Rachna Betsy Brittany. Brianne Kayla Nic. Six of the best. Go watch this game and learn from these brickhouse ladies of the league. Gotta go with Happy Shirt but only by one.

GHOSTS AT FREE STATE GROWLERS – 5pm HOLCOM RED – Ghost have yet to get a victory, could this be your day? Diana Garcia got the pitching moves, but so does Lesli Smith for the growlers. It’s the battle for 7th and Mass St. If Katie Keating is back at 100% and Aimee Schalles boots it like she did at the clinic last night, I think the Ghosts could get their first victory.

SCREAMERS AT KUNT PUNTS – 7pm HOLCOM RED – Screamers win for best handwriting of their score sheets! The ladies of the screamers (erin/ taylor) have stepped up both on and off the field for the KVKL this season. The Kunt Punts have the wiley Dee and Jana. They both might be small but they know where to kick to advance those runners. Another solid matchup this week, I am going with the Kunts but really a screaming kunt is all that I really want out of this game today. Kunt Punts by four.

Space Pussy at AsteroidHEAD – 5PM HOLCOM GOLD – Even before the ladies clinic started Kristen C-S had purchased her shirt and koozie! Her positive spirit and love of the league is how we all need to be in the league. Pitcher Shannon has been a pussy for years, but originally came up through the league with Miss Fortunes. Catlin Dix on asteroidhead will always be one of my favorite players because she has the best handshake in the league. The Kan-bucha will be fueled to victory.

RATS AT DAS BOOT – HOLCOM GOLD – 7pm Kylie Palermo is one of the quietest stars when it comes to women in the KVKL. She kicks the strongest line drives but also dominates it at shortstop.   Caitlin is one of their most versatile players for Das Boot, playing pitcher, first base, rover and is super solid every position she plays. The ladies on the Rats know exactly where to kick it to advance runners which always an important part of being a team player. Lisa Bloomquist on their team is a solid scorer for the Rats. If Das Boot can control the bunting speed of the Rats the whole game they should prove victorious.

BAD NEWS BAGELS AT HOTEL LOBBY – 5pm HOLCOM BLUE – Both of these teams have fully broken into the top ten. For the Bagels much of that charge comes from Emma Lumpe. She’s just pure full on bad ass one of the few women in the league who can throw a rocket ball from third to first. Hotel Lobby we all saw the ninja moves of Rachel at GOTW, but hey did you also notice Clare? The ladies on Hotel Lobby got it going on! Lobby by four.

HARPER VALLEY PTA AT JAZZHAUS – 7PM HOLCOM BLUE – My favorite team of moms. Lane Christine Staci your children are the next generation of athletes for the KVKL. Tanya McNeely thank you for still playing in the league so I don’t have the title of oldest in the league. Maddy you have been doing a great job finding the gaps with your kicks. Keep it up. Jazzhaus by seven.

SACRED SWORD AT RED LYON – HOBBS 7PM – Another sweet babe battle at Hobbs this week. Amber Lord Owens is one of the fastest women in the league, add in Mary, Anna and Janeal and you have both experience and athleticism spewing from the sword. Red Lyon, Shauna and Sara Weisel. You ladies know how to take it to the limit. Aggressive kicks and even better base running. This game is going to be so close if the Lyon can find their Zen-place the game is theirs.

HURTZ DONUT D-HOLES AT TERREBONNE PO’BOYS – GAME OF THE WEEK 9PM HOBBS – Huge hugs and thanks to Arie Auxter and all her organizational skills with the Ladies Clinic yesterday. You play sports like you live your life, by dominating. You help me to be a better player in our sport every time we play together. Speaking of dominance, the other ladies on your team aint too shabby either. Megan B-H has a golden foot with ball placement, Mo don’t drop any balls in the outfield and Lunde thank you for being fast and keeping Bickel in line. The Po’Boys captains know they ain’t a winning team without having some of the top women in the league. Nicole is dirty and fierce, Hannah B not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could rock your silver sparkle shorts. Add in the vivacious Cathe Decena and you have three women who know how to win. The D-Holes are looking to give the Po’Boys their first loss, but we all know the Po’Boys don’t get phased by the lights at Hobbs they thrive. Po’Boys by two.

Week 7 Divisional Preview

Rockets > Channel 6
Bulletproof Tigers > Brewballers
Murda, Inc. > Basil Ride
Los Matadores = Wildman Attack Force
Where’s My Pitches? > Taco Tuesday
Up to Eleven Late Fees > Merchants of Death
Love Garden Squids > Goats
Happy Shirt > Chalmersiz
Free State Growlers > Ghosts
Kunt Punts > Screamers
AsteroidHEAD > Space Pussy
Das Boot > Rats
Hotel Lobby > Bad News Bagels
Jazzhaus > Harper Valley PTA
Red Lyon > Sacred Sword
Terrebonne Po’ Boys > Hurtz Donut D-Holes

John Brown Division
The winner of the Rockets @ Channel 6 game (Lyons West, 5 p.m.) could be the 2-seed out of the John Brown Division. Happy Shirt already has the 1-seed on lock, but there’s currently a three-way tie at 4-2 (Channel 6, Chalmersiz, Rockets), with two more at 3-3 (Basil Ride and Murda, Inc., both of which play today as well). The only guarantees right now are Happy Shirt (#1), and the winner of the Taco Tuesday @ Where’s My Pitches? game (Holcolm Right, 5 p.m.) will be #7 and the loser #8. If it turns out the way I see it, the Rockets will get the 2-seed, followed by Channel 6, Chalmersiz, Murda, Inc., Basil Ride, Where’s My Pitches? and Taco Tuesday.

Lyons West has two potentially great games at 5 p.m., so if you can make it out, do it. (Of course, there are great games city-wide.)

What’s surprising about the potential results of this division is the Chalmersiz dropping to a 4-seed, due to the tiebreaker between it and Channel 6. It could always surprise Happy Shirt by giving it its first regular season loss in about 18 years, thereby moving up to a 3-seed (both the Rockets and Channel 6 beat the Chalmersiz, by 7 and 2 respectively).

Carrie A. Nation
Perhaps the most intriguing division this week goes Carrie A. Nation’s. The top four teams play each other today: the Terrebonne Po’ Boys play Hurtz Donut D-Holes in Game of the Week, and the Rats play Das Boot at Holcolm Gold, 7 p.m. Should both the Rats and Hurtz win, there will be a three-way tie for first place. As the numbers stand now between those four teams:

Team | Record | Runs/Runs Allowed | Run Differential | Win %

Das Boot 4-2 14 -13 34.15%
Hurtz D-Holes 5-1 18 5 58.06%
Rats 5-1 18 -3 46.15%
Terrbonne Po’Boys 6-0 30 11 61.22%


If Terrebonne wins, it will lock down the 1-seed; and if the Rats win it will get the 2-seed, with Hurtz and Das Boot following at 3 and 4. If Hurtz and Das Boot win, Hurtz will be the 1-seed, followed by Terrebonne at 2, Das Boot at 3, and Rats at 4. There are a lot of possibilities, but Terrebonne won’t drop below the 3-seed, and Das Boot won’t rise above the 3-seed.

Similar to the John Brown, the surprise is Das Boot potentially dropping to a 4-seed—a team that hasn’t been below the 2s in at least three years.

Additionally, if the Merchants of Death beat the Up to Eleven Late Fees, and AsteroidHEAD beats Space Pussy, there will be another three-way tie for the 5-, 6, and 7-seeds. Should Space Pussy beat AsteroidHEAD, and Merchants defeats the Fees, then Merchants would climb to the 5-seed. There’s a lot going on in this division, really.

William S. Burroughs
Wildman Attack Force locked up the 1-seed last week with a win against Hotel Lobby and a Los Matadores loss to the Bad News Bagels. Should the Bagels give Hotel Lobby its second consecutive loss, it would earn the 2-seed, followed by Hotel Lobby at 3, and Los Matadores at 4. Regardless of the outcome between Wildman and Los Matadores, they will be locked in at the 1- and 4-seeds.

The bottom half is also fairly open. A Kunt Punts win over the Screamers would lock them in at the 5-seed. If the Brewballers want to move up at all from the bottom, it has to win against the Bulletproof Tigers and hope for a Screamers win.

The surprise of the William S. Burroughs division, again, is the 4-seed: Los Matadores. Since winning the championship in 2010, it has seen its share of personnel changes and has struggled at times in the regular season. It does manage to get it together for the tournament, though, and as the league looks now, the 4-seeds are going to be pretty damn tough.

Langston Hughes
Having beaten both Red Lyon and Sacred Sword handily, the Love Garden Squids locked up the 1-seed last week. Red Lyon and Sacred Sword play today for the 2- and 3-seeds. With the first week surprise win over the Goats, the Jazzhaus has a chance to claim the 4-seed should it beat Harper Valley PTA, thereby knocking the Goats to the 5-seed. If Harper Valley PTA wins, and the Ghosts knock off the Free State Growlers, the PTA will move up to the 6-seed, with the Ghosts moving up to the 7th, and Free State dropping to 8th.

The Goats’ potential drop to the 5-seed is the biggest surprise to me. After claiming its first Final Four appearance last season, and earning a 1-seed the year before, a drop to the 5s is a shock. Granted, it lost some key offensive players, but its core group from seasons’ past remains. Love Garden has played some incredible kickball all season long, and while that isn’t unheard of, I admittedly didn’t expect it to so thoroughly dismantle the likes of Red Lyon and Sacred Sword. The Goats did beat Love Garden two years ago to claim that 1-seed, but both these teams are wildly different.

Good luck everyone! Remember—win or lose. Those are your options. Win or lose.

WEEK FIVE – i feel sooo much pride

Oh week four, you came and went with such quickness, I mean really was that not the fastest game of the week ever? No dicktowels were passed out, but the undefeated Happy Shirt crew did give all our asses a lil boost with computer sleeve-floatation device-cushions. Thanks for the gifts you guys, hopefully Tyler enjoyed the summer’s largest Happy Birthday sing along in his honor.

As I turned up my stereo yesterday, put on my formidable “tyler and the dicktowels mix” (yes that is what I named the mix when we played against them) and began to get the party started. While imbibing and blowing shit up with equal domination for the 4th, kickball and music got stuck in my head. For many teams music is the olive in the martini, the cherry on the sundae, the foam on a latte. That sweet and salty lil addition to our games that rev us up, make us focus, or make us do a little dance before we play. For certain teams music is mandatory.

The Goats each pick a song for the season, asteroidHEAD regularly has a dj with mixing capabilities, Murda Inc brings a pink CREAM-colored stereo to their games, Chalmersiz got DJ Candlepants at the helm, the Fees always turn it up to eleven with their mixes and Sean Wilson from the Rockets rides his bike with the worlds largest boom box to their games (well until week one when rain washed it away).

Music and the KVKL, it’s such a part of who we are. After game of the week we gather together to talk, to flirt, to drink and to dance it upstairs at Harbor. Each week we have a different DJ who plays in the league toss us ditties that make our asses go boom. So what if each team had a song? I think we all deserve that and even if you don’t want one I am giving you one anyways.


AsteroidHEAD vitalized by KANbucha – TRUCKIN – Jerry Garcia has an asteroid named for him and has always been known to be a lil heady (if you catch my drift) so it seems fitting this tie-dyed team of kanbucha lovers should be represented by the one and only grateful dead. Check out Bob Wiers diving tank top and short shorts in this live performance, you’d think he jumped on stage after a game at Lyons. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmukyU9zTiY

BAD NEWS BAGELS – BAD REPUTATION – This song was featured in the classic Bad News Bears movie and pretty much sums this team up. They give a fuck but also don’t give a fuck of what they do to you on the field. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RAQXg0IdfI

BAIL RIDE –HEY MICKEY – What happens when you add a delicious herb to their name? You go from slow ride take it easy to Oh Basil Ride you’re so fine you blow my mind. And we all know that Alexis and Erin A love cheerleading, if only one of the dudes on their team could sport pigtails…

BREWBALLERS – TAKE OFF – A team named after a brewery, hopefully one of their members is from Canada or loves Geddy Lee from Rush. Regardless Bob and Doug McKenzie make everyone happy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jm4LoOaAWI

BULLETPROOF TIGERS – EVERYTHING POPULAR IS WRONG – I am guessing the BPT didn’t take their name from this mathrock band from Canada. However the more i listened and watched this band in action the more it made sense. Cougar often is off beat, he likes stats and if you watch the video this band likes to smoke, drink and grab their junk while staying in a hotel (Cougar works at a hotel). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utht5ES0DNc

CHALMERSIZ – BUMP n GRIND – Sexy, gritty, sporty and a lil nasty. That’s our Chalmersiz. They can go deep, they can bump it and tap it when needed. Chalmersiz are the most fuckable and when you wanna fuck (or get urinated on) it better be with a lil R Kelly.

CHANNEL 6 TOE POKES – HEIST THAT CANDY – Remember this team is based on our local cable channel. That means they’ve got mad talents on and off the field. And who doesn’t love Reeses Pieces.

DAS BOOT – BOOTYLICIOUS – They got the biggest legs in the league. So why would they not be represented by the finest of all women around Beyonce and her girl group destiny’s child. I don’t think you are ready for DAS BOOTYLICIOUS.

FREE STATE GROWLERS – CARRY ON WAYWARD SON – Free State is one of longest existing teams in the league. They are the first microbrewery in Kansas. They know how to carry on in the league year in and year out competing in the less awesome championship. Enjoy this truly 70s live video of this song, and maybe it will make you think twice about the power of the growlers.

GHOSTS – PACMAN FEVER / I AINT AFRAID OF NO GHOST – Some teams will get two songs, don’t get pissy about it for those that only got one. I mean come on their shirts are pac man themed, and they are named the Ghosts, and really you SHOULD be aftraid of them. Here’s hoping both of these songs get the Ghosts out of their losing streak, cause Binky is outta site!

GOATS – WE ARE FAMILY – Goats are naturally curious and hang out in tribes. The Goats of the KVKL are no different. There are sisters on the team, married couples, former couples but mainly a group of friends who work and play together. Goats are also cute, sassy and make hilarious noises. So enjoy a lil sister sledge and some of the greates Goat videos ever.

HAPPY SHIRT – HAPPY – So many options here, come on get happy by the partridge family, don’t worry be happy by Bobby McFerrin. However like Pharrell has a signature Arbys Hat, Happy Shirt has their signature dicktowel. Clap along if you agree. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM

HARPER VALLEY PTA – TOWNIE. It would have been too easy to pick the Jeannie C Riley song from 1968. It also would have been way too easy to pick a song by local musicians and harpies Matt Pryor or Arthur Dodge. This is a team of townies and future townies, and a Kansas band called truck stop love in 1993 put out a most memorable song called Townie. Can you remember when you were eighteen and so bad? These guys can. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tO5mFDhf8Y

HOTEL LOBBY – HOLIDAE IN – After the show it’s the after party, after the party it’s the hotel lobby. Again not going for the obvious, because this team has never self proclaimed themselves most fuckable like another team in the league who already gets the R Kelly seal of approval. This teams got the go-pro and are undefeated, make your mammaries giggle fo shizzle dizzle coz a hotel lobby game is quite a fiesta! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmKjTC8yDFM&feature=kp

HURTZ DONUT D-HOLES – HAIR OF THE DOG – The D-holes know they are bad asses. They have shirts with a donut flipping us the bird. The code of conduct was created due to a player on their team. That’s right now you are messing with a son of a bitch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp6-8g-nw4A

THE JAZZHAUS – BITCHES BREW – Miles Davis was a bad motherfucker in every shape of the word. He liked he liked to imbibe, he had amazing fashion, he liked to fuck and he took jazz to outerspace and beyond. The Jazzhaus I believe enjoys (de)vices of the same but different nature, the more legal kinds.

KUNT PUNTS – 212FT – The former Corksuckers team went there this year. Took the C word changed it to a K and put a punt behind it. My musical brain wanted to pick an Anal Cunt song but really Azealia Banks is a hot female rapper who uses the word cunt better than most. These bitches wanna compete. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUXzAYLmvPQ

LOS MATADORES – REAL AMERICAN – Sometimes you gotta take a stand and not hide. Sometimes you gotta fight for what’s right. The Matadores are that team. They don’t take winning lightly. Their courage keeps them free. Bet you don’t actually know wrote this lil gem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKJDAVvs_JA

LOVE GARDEN SQUIDS – PLAYERS BALL – When your team is owned by a record store picking a song can be tough. However like the Squids, OutKast are classic and making a comeback. Cause Im a player, doing what the players do…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFofKGKlWo4

MERCHANTS OF DEATH – ENTER SANDMAN – If you choose to be called merchants of death, the only band worthy of that is Metallica. On and off the stage Metallica are pure evil, but the people on merchants of death are not, but I know deep in their hearts they want to be as bad as metallica. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QP-SIW6iKY

MURDA INC – WU TANG CLAN AINT NOTHIN TO F-WIT – Does cash rule everything about this team? We do know they can bring the ruckus coz its all about the WU. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88jr9QUxbcs

RATS – BULLET WITH BUTTERFLY WINGS – The Rats are becoming one of the have you heard, they’re good teams. In case you also hadn’t heard the smashing pumpkins were really good, even if that tall bald Billy Corgan in their band still thinks he was a rat in a cage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88jr9QUxbcs

RED LYON TAVERN – BEAUTIFUL DISASTER – The Red Lyon can play beautifully they can also sometimes be a complete disaster. After seeing most of their team at 311 this holiday weekend seemed only fitting this be their song, coz some teams like bands get better with age. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDQlSUjqsuo

THE ROCKETS – THE MAN DON’T GIVE A FUCK – Lots of music lovers on this team. Some listen to hippie and blue grass, some warped tour punk, some only listen to soccer but one thing about this team, they don’t give a fuck what you think about them. From the Super Furry Animals, a band that once performed on a tank that shot rockets? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5APBfWZFD84

SACRED SWORD – I’M THE ONE – What song do you give the team that probably knows more about music than any other team in the league. I almost picked a show tune just so Mike Tiffany would be like WTF. Instead I went with a band that called parts of southern Missouri home and I am pretty sure helped shape most of their teams reason for loving music, The Descendents. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXbPlFgSfao&feature=kp

THE SCREAMERS – ACTION & ACTION – When I think of screamers, I think of emo. I think of an album called something to write home about, a record that features a member of the KVKL. This team is a younger team that seems to be down for whatever (including hosting the GOTW cooking duties this week!).

SPACE PUSSY – EAT IT – That’s right, spacepussy knows there should always be a little humor when it comes to kickball. They don’t wanna argue they don’t wanna debate. So just eat it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcJjMnHoIBI

TACO TUESDAY – PUTTIN ON THE RITZ – As much as I wanted to put down all the memorable taco john’s songs (including the Feliz Navidad one) in this teams coffer, a one hit wonder from the 80s seemed more appropriate coz they are super duper.

TERREBONNE PO’BOYS – STOMP! – Winning 3 of the last 4 should give them the we are the champions from queen video. But I also know this team has a deep love of all things funky and soul while they stomp over us all with their championship moves. All hail the brothers Johnson. Oh wait for kickball I mean the brothers McKee.

UP TO ELEVEN LATE FEES – PUT A RING ON IT – Mick proposed to Robyn at Hobbs, that following June he put a ring on it as they got married at Hobbs. Seems only fitting this song would be the only one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY&feature=kp

WHERES MY PITCHES – ME AGAINST THE WORLD – The former west coast saloon keeps it west coast style, sporting shirts of their fave dead rapper. Just remember life goes on.

WILDMAN ATTACK FORCE – BORN IN THE USA – This team just celebrated their Bday a few days ago, hopefully none of them lost a finger showing American pride with fireworks either. However this team gets 2 tunes, because born in the USA is just that easy. Song #2 is what I think CJ sings in the shower coz he can and he kinda is (-;

A final plug, dont miss DJ Ladies Night after game of the week its gonna have an island theme. lei’s and bubbles to dance around with upstairs at Harbor.


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